Friday, March 18, 2011


For me this blog has turned into a much needed therapy session, for which I am terribly sorry.  Lately life has not been that easy and this helps just a little.

Before Mia arrived I had a miscarriage.  It was a terrible time like it is for everyone and like most, I blamed myself.  So when I became pregnant with Mia, I worried constantly.  Every time I went to the bathroom, I was petrified of finding blood, I worried that something would be wrong with her, it seemed I never stopped worrying.  And when she did arrive, she would not feed, was a very bad sleeper and was just a difficult baby.

So now I wonder, did all this worry, cause her to be the person she is today?  Our life since returning from Hanmer Springs has gone from bad to worse.  She did not go back to school, she was so terrified of me leaving her that she could hardly breathe.  She will not go to sleep at night unless I am there and it takes hours.  She is angry and aggressive, she is scared and won't let me out of her sight for long.  What have I done to her by bringing her here?  Her worry is like a blanket that she never takes off and it is weighing her down.

Worse than all this, all of which I can understand and deal with, is her negative mindset.  I do not understand how she can be so pessimistic. I am trying to get her counseling at the moment but she is convinced there is no point, nothing can help and she is not interested.  She will not listen to anything I have to say.  I start to talk to her and I can see her turn off and tune out.  She does not want to hear me and I am afraid that she does not want to feel better.  I stopped talking at her and started asking her questions.   She is unwavering in her arguments and won't hear anything positive or helpful.  She has gone from feeling scared in this house, to being scared in Sumner to now being scared in New Zealand.  I use reason, science, persuasion and even bribery, nothing works. 

Tonight she told me she wants to go back to Sydney where she was happy.  She doesn't want to live here and if that means living without us, then that is the way it has to be.  It was the worst feeling in the world hearing that she would be happier living without us.  I had no argument and was completely speechless.  My whole world is to love and protect her and Amy and I feel so deeply sad that I have caused this much pain in her world. 

My very wise and wonderful friend, Robin in Norfolk taught me that whatever you envisage you make for yourself.  I fully believe this, if you ask the universe for a wonderful life, it will come.  A positive mind can do wonders.  I have always tried to instill this in Mia and I feel like I have failed today.  She will not listen and will not try.  She is so caught in a state of inner fear that she has shut off from me.  I cannot reach in to help her and I am so scared that I cannot do something to help her.  She has always been stubborn and single minded and when she makes up her mind about something, then that is that.  If you attract what you think, god help her. 

I am so physically and emotionally exhausted, it feels like I am feeling my way in the dark.  I am tired from lack of sleep, jumpy waiting for the next aftershock and her reaction and worried about how best to get through this confusing time.  I was putting all my faith in the move to a new house, that that would make her more relaxed and ease her fears, but I think I was wrong.  Now I am lost, what do I try next.  If only she would listen and try.  As I tell her, there is no point worrying about something that may never happen.  My words fall on deaf ears. 

1 comment:

  1. Amanda,

    We found this book incredibly useful:

    She also wrote a book, which is a way of quantifying fears and worries called The Five Point Scale:

    We have had surges of anxiety, for very different reasons, and these two books really helped Billy manage things in his own way, with our guidance.

    FWIW, I lost a baby before Billy too, and always wonder whether my anxiety had an effect on Billy's development.

    It's not like we could have stopped it, at any point, because what we wanted to protect so much is what we got - our beautiful, deep hearted, big feeling children.

    Huge hugs from here, to you and Mia, and Amy and Richard too.

    I know it won't be easy, but this too will pass. You will get through this, together. You will find a way.

    Keep talking, keep thinking. You have a lot of wisdom.