It is 12.50pm, 22 February 2012. This time one year ago I was going about my normal day, blissfully unaware that in 1 minutes time life as we knew it would be no more. It has been a sad and emotional day for all of us and a time to remember. People gathered and spoke of their experiences and just shared their stories. The support that was there last February, never went away but today it was back in full force. It was a quiet day with a hush over the city that you could feel. The girls school planted a tree and held a 2 minutes silence, Mia asked why we would want to stop and remember such a painful event.
160 years to build the city and 24 seconds to destroy it. May we remember those who died, the injured, the everyday heros and the families that remain and look towards the bright future of Christchurch.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Lessons Learnt
It has been a while between posts and for that I am sorry. I wanted to write but had the feeling that I didn't have anything to write about, which was stupid because looking back on the year so much has happened. So here is a catch up and hopefully the first of many more updates from our life in NZ.
This past year has taught me so much, it has been full of learning curves and lessons learnt. We are only days away from the anniversary of the February 22nd earthquake that changed the lives of every Cantabrian. While it was a devastating day, I have realised that many good things came from that event, mainly never to take anything or anyone for granted. Don't hold a grudge, never part angry, hug often and appreciate what you have. All good lessons, unfortunately they came at a very high price, especially for our children.
Mia let out all her fears and anxiety from day one and has since been through months and months of counselling which has allowed her to cope and deal with something no child should have to go through. Amy dealt with it in her own way which we have found out was to bury it at the back of her mind until she can deal with it. Which seems to be now. She is clingy and more fearful than before and is now aware of disaster, death and upheaval. She doesn't know how to talk about it, but every now and then small questions come out that gives me an insight into her thoughts. It is all about taking everyday as it comes.
After the 22nd I felt incredibly guilty about our decision to move here and put the kids through this trauma. But now I don't. Bad things can happen anywhere and they shape us in many ways, ways that I have come to realise we have a chance to control. How you deal with what life throws at you is a decision that only you can make. On the 14th January we celebrated our first year in Christchurch and went out for lunch with the kids. I asked them to tell me all the great things that had happened in the year and they went very quiet. Mia told me it had been a bad year because of the earthquake and should be forgotten. I reminded her that because of the earthquake we made life long friends, we had finally bought our dream house and we still had each other. Lots of cliches have been learnt by the kids this year - Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Nothing is all good or all bad, Be grateful for what you have, ect ect but it is all true.
So looking back on this year, I can say that I have many happy memories and now love the life I have here. Many people still think we are crazy to have come and definitely to have stayed, but this is home and we love it here. Christchurch has an amazing sense of community and strength and that is what makes it such a special place.
After moving here last April, we threw ourselves into being domestic. With such a huge backyard we were able to build a large vege patch and orchard that has made me very proud and amazed me with what I was capable of. Having never been able to even keep a house plant alive, I was stunned that we grew enough veges to feed us for many months. It has taught the kids how food is made, how to nurture and look after something and they have loved looking after the plants, checking their progress and of course eating all the produce. We produced a bumper crop of super sweet strawberries that didn't even make it into the house, they were picked and eaten straight from the plant. It was a race to get up first in the morning so you could be the one checking the plant for new strawberries. We didn't get too many peas which I now realise was because the kids would play outside and when hungry would help themselves to fresh peas. The original fast food in their own little pod containers.
This year has been a great trial and error lesson with what will grow and what does best so next year I will know what to do better. I have a long list of jobs for poor Richard - to expand the vege gardens with 3 new beds so we have continual produce, a huge shed (6m x 2m) to house the ride on mower and woodpile, a greenhouse and the list just keeps growing. Looking after this garden has taken a huge amount of my time, which I have loved. So my last post of what to do to be useful and busy has been taken care of. Of course as with everything, if you relax and stop stressing ideas are bound to come to you as they have. Since resigning myself to being happy with looking after the 3 kids (Richard included) and the garden, I have come up with a business idea that I believe will be very successful and ticks all my boxes. I have started working on a business plan and hope that if all goes well I will start the business in the second half of this year. I am also helping Richard with his second job which seems to be growing rapidly. His brilliant designs are keeping him busy and giving him the creative outlet that he needs. He has a new furniture range being developed by a local furniture company and it is amazing, even if I do say so myself. He is truly talented!
The kids are doing very well with school and Mia worked so hard last year to catch up to the rest of the class. Her hard work was rewarded with 2 special merit awards given in the prize giving assembly. I was so proud of her! Amy is loving school and is doing brilliantly, I have no idea where she gets her brains from. She is the youngest in Year 2 (64 kids) and is in the top reading and maths groups. Sorry, I just had to brag! They have made some wonderful friends and love living in the country. We cycle to and from school and they still think it is funny passing sheep, horses and cows on the 3 block ride to school.
So life has been good to us in the last year. We have much to be grateful for and our wish for this year, along with all of New Zealand is a calm, peaceful year with no more shakes. After living through just over 7000 earthquakes and aftershocks, I think we have deserved some peace. If I could pass on anything I have learnt this past year, it is live to be happy, life is so short make every day count so you can look back on something spectacular.
This past year has taught me so much, it has been full of learning curves and lessons learnt. We are only days away from the anniversary of the February 22nd earthquake that changed the lives of every Cantabrian. While it was a devastating day, I have realised that many good things came from that event, mainly never to take anything or anyone for granted. Don't hold a grudge, never part angry, hug often and appreciate what you have. All good lessons, unfortunately they came at a very high price, especially for our children.
Mia let out all her fears and anxiety from day one and has since been through months and months of counselling which has allowed her to cope and deal with something no child should have to go through. Amy dealt with it in her own way which we have found out was to bury it at the back of her mind until she can deal with it. Which seems to be now. She is clingy and more fearful than before and is now aware of disaster, death and upheaval. She doesn't know how to talk about it, but every now and then small questions come out that gives me an insight into her thoughts. It is all about taking everyday as it comes.
After the 22nd I felt incredibly guilty about our decision to move here and put the kids through this trauma. But now I don't. Bad things can happen anywhere and they shape us in many ways, ways that I have come to realise we have a chance to control. How you deal with what life throws at you is a decision that only you can make. On the 14th January we celebrated our first year in Christchurch and went out for lunch with the kids. I asked them to tell me all the great things that had happened in the year and they went very quiet. Mia told me it had been a bad year because of the earthquake and should be forgotten. I reminded her that because of the earthquake we made life long friends, we had finally bought our dream house and we still had each other. Lots of cliches have been learnt by the kids this year - Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Nothing is all good or all bad, Be grateful for what you have, ect ect but it is all true.
So looking back on this year, I can say that I have many happy memories and now love the life I have here. Many people still think we are crazy to have come and definitely to have stayed, but this is home and we love it here. Christchurch has an amazing sense of community and strength and that is what makes it such a special place.
After moving here last April, we threw ourselves into being domestic. With such a huge backyard we were able to build a large vege patch and orchard that has made me very proud and amazed me with what I was capable of. Having never been able to even keep a house plant alive, I was stunned that we grew enough veges to feed us for many months. It has taught the kids how food is made, how to nurture and look after something and they have loved looking after the plants, checking their progress and of course eating all the produce. We produced a bumper crop of super sweet strawberries that didn't even make it into the house, they were picked and eaten straight from the plant. It was a race to get up first in the morning so you could be the one checking the plant for new strawberries. We didn't get too many peas which I now realise was because the kids would play outside and when hungry would help themselves to fresh peas. The original fast food in their own little pod containers.
This year has been a great trial and error lesson with what will grow and what does best so next year I will know what to do better. I have a long list of jobs for poor Richard - to expand the vege gardens with 3 new beds so we have continual produce, a huge shed (6m x 2m) to house the ride on mower and woodpile, a greenhouse and the list just keeps growing. Looking after this garden has taken a huge amount of my time, which I have loved. So my last post of what to do to be useful and busy has been taken care of. Of course as with everything, if you relax and stop stressing ideas are bound to come to you as they have. Since resigning myself to being happy with looking after the 3 kids (Richard included) and the garden, I have come up with a business idea that I believe will be very successful and ticks all my boxes. I have started working on a business plan and hope that if all goes well I will start the business in the second half of this year. I am also helping Richard with his second job which seems to be growing rapidly. His brilliant designs are keeping him busy and giving him the creative outlet that he needs. He has a new furniture range being developed by a local furniture company and it is amazing, even if I do say so myself. He is truly talented!
The kids are doing very well with school and Mia worked so hard last year to catch up to the rest of the class. Her hard work was rewarded with 2 special merit awards given in the prize giving assembly. I was so proud of her! Amy is loving school and is doing brilliantly, I have no idea where she gets her brains from. She is the youngest in Year 2 (64 kids) and is in the top reading and maths groups. Sorry, I just had to brag! They have made some wonderful friends and love living in the country. We cycle to and from school and they still think it is funny passing sheep, horses and cows on the 3 block ride to school.
So life has been good to us in the last year. We have much to be grateful for and our wish for this year, along with all of New Zealand is a calm, peaceful year with no more shakes. After living through just over 7000 earthquakes and aftershocks, I think we have deserved some peace. If I could pass on anything I have learnt this past year, it is live to be happy, life is so short make every day count so you can look back on something spectacular.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Home maker or more?
Today is overcast and cold and my mood is reflecting the day. I am feeling restless and bored and while I am happy in my life, I'm sitting here wondering is this it. I have turned into a homemaker/earth mother of my own making and while I am proud that I now make all the kids snacks and there are no pre-packaged biscuits or additive ridden foods in our pantry, is this all there is? The kids are now happily settled in school and I am left feeling like everyone has a place to go in the mornings except for me.
So I am sitting here, watching the bunnies hop around the yard and I wonder, what could I do? I have always wanted my own business, but what? I have many grand ideas that seem far fetched, one involving bringing Dan Murphy's to New Zealand but while a good idea, probably not realistic.
My Mother, in her infinite wisdom, tells me sternly never to under value my role as homemaker and I agree. However, I need some other mental stimulation and a challenge, I have mastered muesli slice and anzac biscuits and I want more in my day.
So it is my mission to find something that drives me and gives me a passion. I want something that is mine and makes me feel proud that I did it. But what?? Watch this space....
So I am sitting here, watching the bunnies hop around the yard and I wonder, what could I do? I have always wanted my own business, but what? I have many grand ideas that seem far fetched, one involving bringing Dan Murphy's to New Zealand but while a good idea, probably not realistic.
My Mother, in her infinite wisdom, tells me sternly never to under value my role as homemaker and I agree. However, I need some other mental stimulation and a challenge, I have mastered muesli slice and anzac biscuits and I want more in my day.
So it is my mission to find something that drives me and gives me a passion. I want something that is mine and makes me feel proud that I did it. But what?? Watch this space....
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Happy
I have written many sad posts that have not been easy to read so I decided it was time to write a happy one that summed up the last few weeks. The time since we moved into our new home has been so wonderful. There is so many things I love about living in New Zealand and in our new home. Here are some them in a happy summary of what makes me smile at the moment.
I love that when we turn out of our house and onto the road that runs past our house, the Port Hills are to the left at the end of the road and to the right the Southern Alps loom up to meet you. They are both impressive and everyday is a different view of these mighty mountains. Some days they are covered in deep snow that gleams in the sunlight, the next day they can be green again and the snow nowhere to be seen. In New Zealand you really get 4 seasons and they can all be in the same day. At the moment there are the most stunning colours in the trees with the leaves are changing colour for autumn. The reds, yellows and oranges make a patchwork across the landscape that is so beautiful. The days have a chill to them and you have an inkling of the season to come. I just hope that when it does arrive, I am tough enough to cope with it and don't huddle inside like a sook sitting on top of the fire!
I love that to get to our local library, the supermarket or anywhere, I need to drive through beautiful countryside. Fields of horses, cows and sheep are now the normal and the kids no longer think it strange to see them. We are in a rural landscape that is refreshing after living in a built up city for so long.
I know it is obvious, but I love our new house! Not only is it great to be back in a house we own but it is a great space. The layout and the way the house works is fantastic. I love that to get warm we need to light a fire, there is something special about sitting by a roaring fire, we are trying to convince ourselves we are not pyromaniacs. The only downside is the amount of garden, it is huge, we are just happy we didn't buy the 4 hectare block! With almost 2500 square metres of grounds, keeping up with the weeds and the grass is time consuming! It is like painting the harbour bridge.
Along with the normal weird New Zealandisms such as chilly bins (esky) and jandels (thongs) my favourite is a trundler (shopping trolley). It makes shopping seem like a friendlier and more pleasant experience. Just a side point that makes me smile each time I go to the supermarket.
The biggest happiness in moving here and the last few weeks is Mia. She is a different girl and is so happy. She is now your typical 6 year old, no more fears, no more terrors in the night, just loaded with her own opinions. She has made me think I might I have imagined everything that happened after February 22nd. I had arranged to see a psychologist for her to work through the feelings and emotions but now feel like a fraud keeping the appointments. It is like feeling sick, making an appointment to see the doctor but feeling fine when you walk into their office. I'm not complaining though! I just hope that it continues, to see her so relaxed and confident is wonderful. Now I can just enjoy the usual arguments a mother and her 6 year old have on a daily basis.
So these are just a few of the things that are making me smile and giving me hope for the future. Hopefully without jinxing myself, it seems our new life is back on track.
I love that when we turn out of our house and onto the road that runs past our house, the Port Hills are to the left at the end of the road and to the right the Southern Alps loom up to meet you. They are both impressive and everyday is a different view of these mighty mountains. Some days they are covered in deep snow that gleams in the sunlight, the next day they can be green again and the snow nowhere to be seen. In New Zealand you really get 4 seasons and they can all be in the same day. At the moment there are the most stunning colours in the trees with the leaves are changing colour for autumn. The reds, yellows and oranges make a patchwork across the landscape that is so beautiful. The days have a chill to them and you have an inkling of the season to come. I just hope that when it does arrive, I am tough enough to cope with it and don't huddle inside like a sook sitting on top of the fire!
I love that to get to our local library, the supermarket or anywhere, I need to drive through beautiful countryside. Fields of horses, cows and sheep are now the normal and the kids no longer think it strange to see them. We are in a rural landscape that is refreshing after living in a built up city for so long.
I know it is obvious, but I love our new house! Not only is it great to be back in a house we own but it is a great space. The layout and the way the house works is fantastic. I love that to get warm we need to light a fire, there is something special about sitting by a roaring fire, we are trying to convince ourselves we are not pyromaniacs. The only downside is the amount of garden, it is huge, we are just happy we didn't buy the 4 hectare block! With almost 2500 square metres of grounds, keeping up with the weeds and the grass is time consuming! It is like painting the harbour bridge.
Along with the normal weird New Zealandisms such as chilly bins (esky) and jandels (thongs) my favourite is a trundler (shopping trolley). It makes shopping seem like a friendlier and more pleasant experience. Just a side point that makes me smile each time I go to the supermarket.
The biggest happiness in moving here and the last few weeks is Mia. She is a different girl and is so happy. She is now your typical 6 year old, no more fears, no more terrors in the night, just loaded with her own opinions. She has made me think I might I have imagined everything that happened after February 22nd. I had arranged to see a psychologist for her to work through the feelings and emotions but now feel like a fraud keeping the appointments. It is like feeling sick, making an appointment to see the doctor but feeling fine when you walk into their office. I'm not complaining though! I just hope that it continues, to see her so relaxed and confident is wonderful. Now I can just enjoy the usual arguments a mother and her 6 year old have on a daily basis.
So these are just a few of the things that are making me smile and giving me hope for the future. Hopefully without jinxing myself, it seems our new life is back on track.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
From Bogey Boards to Tractors
What a huge change to our lives the last couple of weeks has been. We have learnt the hard way what stress is involved when you choose to buy a house and complete the whole process in under 3 weeks. We decided for the sanity of all involved we needed to move out of Sumner and distance ourselves from the constant reminders of the earthquake.
Having made this decision, the hunt for a new house in a location that was as safe as you could be in a city prone to earthquakes, began. We wrote lists of what we wanted and realised we needed and wanted a complete change and what more of a change that to go rural. We found a lovely house on a huge block that had the benefit of being a quick drive to Richard's work, a short walk to school and the village and within a small community of young families. From seeing the house for the first time and signing the contract we settled and moved in only 17 days later. Madness!
We packed up and sadly said goodbye to Sumner. It was sad to leave the place where we had been so happy and where we had already made so many friends. The memories will always be with us, we fell in love with Sumner and this was one of the reasons we felt so happy to move to New Zealand in the first place.
Having said that, we were so excited about moving into our own house again. A place where we could put up our photos that have lived in a box for over a year, have a pet without asking permission and feel like we could truly relax. I had forgotten what a wonderful feeling it is to have a place of your own.
I was so lucky to have my Dad arrive on the day we moved in. In the madness and chaos of the move, he arrived and helped us get sorted and unpacked, I could never have done it as fast without him. Apart from his wonderful help, I had forgotten how much I missed having him around, it was very hard to say goodbye to him at the airport 10 days later. This is definately the down side to living here, missing my Mum and Dad. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't convince him to make the move. I'll keep trying!
Our house is starting to resemble a home and the boxes have all disappeared now. We are learning about ride on mowers, types of firewood and how to look after almost 3000 sqm of land. The girls got their birthday present early with the addition to the family of 2 lop eared bunnies and George is happily exploring his new home.
Our lives have changed again and while we are starting again in some ways, it is easier and we have faith that we can do it a second time. We have chosen a quiet neighbourhood with lots of families, we are surrounded by kids and mostly they are around the girls age. They all go to the same local school and after school, the kids disappear to play dates around the area. The girls are relaxed and happy for the first time since that fateful day in February and that is such a relief. I am so grateful that we had the ability to give them back a feeling of calm and safety that was missing after the earthquake. Mia is still having a hard time and adjusting for the 3rd time is not coming easy so we try and take each day as it comes. This is a whole new blog, one I will write when I have the time and strength.
But we are very lucky and extremely happy in our new, lovely home. I hope this has filled in some gaps of communication over the last few weeks while we have been frantic and unreachable. Hope you like the photos below. Lots of room for guests and the reservation book is now once again open, for the second time.
Having made this decision, the hunt for a new house in a location that was as safe as you could be in a city prone to earthquakes, began. We wrote lists of what we wanted and realised we needed and wanted a complete change and what more of a change that to go rural. We found a lovely house on a huge block that had the benefit of being a quick drive to Richard's work, a short walk to school and the village and within a small community of young families. From seeing the house for the first time and signing the contract we settled and moved in only 17 days later. Madness!
We packed up and sadly said goodbye to Sumner. It was sad to leave the place where we had been so happy and where we had already made so many friends. The memories will always be with us, we fell in love with Sumner and this was one of the reasons we felt so happy to move to New Zealand in the first place.
Having said that, we were so excited about moving into our own house again. A place where we could put up our photos that have lived in a box for over a year, have a pet without asking permission and feel like we could truly relax. I had forgotten what a wonderful feeling it is to have a place of your own.
I was so lucky to have my Dad arrive on the day we moved in. In the madness and chaos of the move, he arrived and helped us get sorted and unpacked, I could never have done it as fast without him. Apart from his wonderful help, I had forgotten how much I missed having him around, it was very hard to say goodbye to him at the airport 10 days later. This is definately the down side to living here, missing my Mum and Dad. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't convince him to make the move. I'll keep trying!
Our house is starting to resemble a home and the boxes have all disappeared now. We are learning about ride on mowers, types of firewood and how to look after almost 3000 sqm of land. The girls got their birthday present early with the addition to the family of 2 lop eared bunnies and George is happily exploring his new home.
Our lives have changed again and while we are starting again in some ways, it is easier and we have faith that we can do it a second time. We have chosen a quiet neighbourhood with lots of families, we are surrounded by kids and mostly they are around the girls age. They all go to the same local school and after school, the kids disappear to play dates around the area. The girls are relaxed and happy for the first time since that fateful day in February and that is such a relief. I am so grateful that we had the ability to give them back a feeling of calm and safety that was missing after the earthquake. Mia is still having a hard time and adjusting for the 3rd time is not coming easy so we try and take each day as it comes. This is a whole new blog, one I will write when I have the time and strength.
But we are very lucky and extremely happy in our new, lovely home. I hope this has filled in some gaps of communication over the last few weeks while we have been frantic and unreachable. Hope you like the photos below. Lots of room for guests and the reservation book is now once again open, for the second time.
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| Our new house - 9 Aberdeen Rd Prebbleton. |
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| The massive pile of firewood I moved by hand. |
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| Rich and Amy learning to drive |
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| Mia and her bunny Clover |
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| Our backyard |
Friday, March 18, 2011
Worries
For me this blog has turned into a much needed therapy session, for which I am terribly sorry. Lately life has not been that easy and this helps just a little.
Before Mia arrived I had a miscarriage. It was a terrible time like it is for everyone and like most, I blamed myself. So when I became pregnant with Mia, I worried constantly. Every time I went to the bathroom, I was petrified of finding blood, I worried that something would be wrong with her, it seemed I never stopped worrying. And when she did arrive, she would not feed, was a very bad sleeper and was just a difficult baby.
So now I wonder, did all this worry, cause her to be the person she is today? Our life since returning from Hanmer Springs has gone from bad to worse. She did not go back to school, she was so terrified of me leaving her that she could hardly breathe. She will not go to sleep at night unless I am there and it takes hours. She is angry and aggressive, she is scared and won't let me out of her sight for long. What have I done to her by bringing her here? Her worry is like a blanket that she never takes off and it is weighing her down.
Worse than all this, all of which I can understand and deal with, is her negative mindset. I do not understand how she can be so pessimistic. I am trying to get her counseling at the moment but she is convinced there is no point, nothing can help and she is not interested. She will not listen to anything I have to say. I start to talk to her and I can see her turn off and tune out. She does not want to hear me and I am afraid that she does not want to feel better. I stopped talking at her and started asking her questions. She is unwavering in her arguments and won't hear anything positive or helpful. She has gone from feeling scared in this house, to being scared in Sumner to now being scared in New Zealand. I use reason, science, persuasion and even bribery, nothing works.
Tonight she told me she wants to go back to Sydney where she was happy. She doesn't want to live here and if that means living without us, then that is the way it has to be. It was the worst feeling in the world hearing that she would be happier living without us. I had no argument and was completely speechless. My whole world is to love and protect her and Amy and I feel so deeply sad that I have caused this much pain in her world.
My very wise and wonderful friend, Robin in Norfolk taught me that whatever you envisage you make for yourself. I fully believe this, if you ask the universe for a wonderful life, it will come. A positive mind can do wonders. I have always tried to instill this in Mia and I feel like I have failed today. She will not listen and will not try. She is so caught in a state of inner fear that she has shut off from me. I cannot reach in to help her and I am so scared that I cannot do something to help her. She has always been stubborn and single minded and when she makes up her mind about something, then that is that. If you attract what you think, god help her.
I am so physically and emotionally exhausted, it feels like I am feeling my way in the dark. I am tired from lack of sleep, jumpy waiting for the next aftershock and her reaction and worried about how best to get through this confusing time. I was putting all my faith in the move to a new house, that that would make her more relaxed and ease her fears, but I think I was wrong. Now I am lost, what do I try next. If only she would listen and try. As I tell her, there is no point worrying about something that may never happen. My words fall on deaf ears.
Before Mia arrived I had a miscarriage. It was a terrible time like it is for everyone and like most, I blamed myself. So when I became pregnant with Mia, I worried constantly. Every time I went to the bathroom, I was petrified of finding blood, I worried that something would be wrong with her, it seemed I never stopped worrying. And when she did arrive, she would not feed, was a very bad sleeper and was just a difficult baby.
So now I wonder, did all this worry, cause her to be the person she is today? Our life since returning from Hanmer Springs has gone from bad to worse. She did not go back to school, she was so terrified of me leaving her that she could hardly breathe. She will not go to sleep at night unless I am there and it takes hours. She is angry and aggressive, she is scared and won't let me out of her sight for long. What have I done to her by bringing her here? Her worry is like a blanket that she never takes off and it is weighing her down.
Worse than all this, all of which I can understand and deal with, is her negative mindset. I do not understand how she can be so pessimistic. I am trying to get her counseling at the moment but she is convinced there is no point, nothing can help and she is not interested. She will not listen to anything I have to say. I start to talk to her and I can see her turn off and tune out. She does not want to hear me and I am afraid that she does not want to feel better. I stopped talking at her and started asking her questions. She is unwavering in her arguments and won't hear anything positive or helpful. She has gone from feeling scared in this house, to being scared in Sumner to now being scared in New Zealand. I use reason, science, persuasion and even bribery, nothing works.
Tonight she told me she wants to go back to Sydney where she was happy. She doesn't want to live here and if that means living without us, then that is the way it has to be. It was the worst feeling in the world hearing that she would be happier living without us. I had no argument and was completely speechless. My whole world is to love and protect her and Amy and I feel so deeply sad that I have caused this much pain in her world.
My very wise and wonderful friend, Robin in Norfolk taught me that whatever you envisage you make for yourself. I fully believe this, if you ask the universe for a wonderful life, it will come. A positive mind can do wonders. I have always tried to instill this in Mia and I feel like I have failed today. She will not listen and will not try. She is so caught in a state of inner fear that she has shut off from me. I cannot reach in to help her and I am so scared that I cannot do something to help her. She has always been stubborn and single minded and when she makes up her mind about something, then that is that. If you attract what you think, god help her.
I am so physically and emotionally exhausted, it feels like I am feeling my way in the dark. I am tired from lack of sleep, jumpy waiting for the next aftershock and her reaction and worried about how best to get through this confusing time. I was putting all my faith in the move to a new house, that that would make her more relaxed and ease her fears, but I think I was wrong. Now I am lost, what do I try next. If only she would listen and try. As I tell her, there is no point worrying about something that may never happen. My words fall on deaf ears.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Kids
We came back from Hanmer Springs today and back to reality. I decided last week that we needed to get away from the city and the constant shakes that had us all on edge so I booked a long weekend away. Hanmer Springs is a stunning little alpine village only a 90 minute drive from Christchurch but it could have been a thousand kms away, it was a perfect spot. It was quiet and restful and best of all there were no shakes. You could see the girls visibly relax and I was relieved to see them stop worrying. Even the sound and feel of the odd truck going past on day one was enough to see them tense up, that was gone by day three. We visited the hot springs, went to the animal farm and went on walks, it was bliss.
But I should have remembered, you can never run away from your problems. Mia was unhappy to come home and wanted to stay even before we left. Coming home to Sumner made her old fears return so fast it was like we had never been away. For some reason, mother nature times her worst aftershocks for bedtime and tonight was no different. I had managed to coax and persuade Mia it was safe and she needed to go to bed. An hour later she was up and worried about returning to school tomorrow. No sooner had we got her back to bed, a 3.8 hit directly underneath our hill. She was screaming and shaking by the time we got to their room, completely terrified. Poor Amy had been asleep and was shocked and scared with no idea what was happening. Now with both awake and scared, there was no way to get them back to sleep easily. Finally at 10pm, with me lying on the floor until they fell asleep, I could get some down time.
Every parent worries about their child, it comes with the swollen ankles of pregnancy, I understand that. But this recent worry leaves me feeling helpless. Mia has always been a worrier. She has always had fears and panic attacks. She is not a naturally positive person. Until now, her fears have been small childhood worries like performing in a school play or being in a busy crowd - fears that can be explained with steps to overcome them. This is not something that can be given a guaranteed answer to ease fears. I can't say, "Don't worry we won't ever have another earthquake" or "Everything will be fine now, the big one has come and gone." I can't give her the guarantees I know she is looking for. I have always had the answers for her before and this time I don't. I tell her the experts say that is it, no more but my assurances are not heard when she feels the ground move, even for a small aftershock. It is the not knowing when the next shudder will come that has you on edge, all of us, just waiting.
Adults, young and old, were terrified by the earthquake, but we have the resources to call on, to reason and to understand the science, how can a 6 year old deal with this and move on? I want to help her by giving her knowledge and talking about it. I was hoping that going back to school tomorrow and being with her friends would help. But how do I know I am doing the right thing and not scaring her more. I am her constant at the moment and she will not leave my side, I give her love and hugs and reassurance and hope that that will heal her.
I have stopped fearing the aftershocks, their wobbles don't scare me, but I am constantly on edge waiting for them to come and worried about the effect they will have on Mia. She is fragile and my need to protect her is at an all time high, I don't feel like I am doing my best at the moment.
We are in the process of buying a house, a very exciting move and will mean we move from Sumner to a semi-rural area that was not affected by either earthquake. We are counting down the sleeps and Mia is beside herself in anticipation of moving. It cannot come soon enough and I am hoping with it comes that same relaxation we felt in Hanmer Springs. I want her to go back to being a kid, with kid sized worries. Ones that hopefully I can deal with.
But I should have remembered, you can never run away from your problems. Mia was unhappy to come home and wanted to stay even before we left. Coming home to Sumner made her old fears return so fast it was like we had never been away. For some reason, mother nature times her worst aftershocks for bedtime and tonight was no different. I had managed to coax and persuade Mia it was safe and she needed to go to bed. An hour later she was up and worried about returning to school tomorrow. No sooner had we got her back to bed, a 3.8 hit directly underneath our hill. She was screaming and shaking by the time we got to their room, completely terrified. Poor Amy had been asleep and was shocked and scared with no idea what was happening. Now with both awake and scared, there was no way to get them back to sleep easily. Finally at 10pm, with me lying on the floor until they fell asleep, I could get some down time.
Every parent worries about their child, it comes with the swollen ankles of pregnancy, I understand that. But this recent worry leaves me feeling helpless. Mia has always been a worrier. She has always had fears and panic attacks. She is not a naturally positive person. Until now, her fears have been small childhood worries like performing in a school play or being in a busy crowd - fears that can be explained with steps to overcome them. This is not something that can be given a guaranteed answer to ease fears. I can't say, "Don't worry we won't ever have another earthquake" or "Everything will be fine now, the big one has come and gone." I can't give her the guarantees I know she is looking for. I have always had the answers for her before and this time I don't. I tell her the experts say that is it, no more but my assurances are not heard when she feels the ground move, even for a small aftershock. It is the not knowing when the next shudder will come that has you on edge, all of us, just waiting.
Adults, young and old, were terrified by the earthquake, but we have the resources to call on, to reason and to understand the science, how can a 6 year old deal with this and move on? I want to help her by giving her knowledge and talking about it. I was hoping that going back to school tomorrow and being with her friends would help. But how do I know I am doing the right thing and not scaring her more. I am her constant at the moment and she will not leave my side, I give her love and hugs and reassurance and hope that that will heal her.
I have stopped fearing the aftershocks, their wobbles don't scare me, but I am constantly on edge waiting for them to come and worried about the effect they will have on Mia. She is fragile and my need to protect her is at an all time high, I don't feel like I am doing my best at the moment.
We are in the process of buying a house, a very exciting move and will mean we move from Sumner to a semi-rural area that was not affected by either earthquake. We are counting down the sleeps and Mia is beside herself in anticipation of moving. It cannot come soon enough and I am hoping with it comes that same relaxation we felt in Hanmer Springs. I want her to go back to being a kid, with kid sized worries. Ones that hopefully I can deal with.
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